Pretty intensive

The title is the best summary of the last weeks. Why? Well, there is news about my rehabilitation and Esther got her PhD. I had my mental ups and downs, the last one due to a complete overstimulated brain.

Let's start with Esther her PhD event, then some news about my rehabilitation proces and ending up with some random stuff, among which a super cool knitting project or perhaps more projects ;-).

PhD Esther

In these crazy times, a PhD thesis defense is completely different than you could ever think of, that is.. the defense was in our living room. Yes, you read that correctly, our living room. No beautiful academic building, not even in the same room as your opponents, but just sitting on your sofa and have an online defense. But we (the paranymphs and me) wanted to make the day really special for her. So, I totally rebuild our living room, the paranymphs asked her friends, family and colleagues to send a good luck card (she got really so so many, they did not fit on the photo), we had a home-made high tea afterwards and for Esther an online reception for one-and-a-half hours. And of course many beautiful gifts. For the first time in my life I had my nails done and really happy with that (Lucy's beauty room, Woudenberg). My gift to Esther is made by Merlijn, who also developed the front cover of her thesis. Pictures will follow when we have in our house. Her parents gave a beautiful necklace, specially designed and with a golden memory and she got a bike, which she did not want to believe at first. She needed to ride on it first, to actually believe it. Our conclusion was, that the day was indeed different, but still very special and creating memories we won't forget soon.

Rehabilitation and work

Now over to some more serious stuff. Of course the PhD defense itself was serious as well, but the whole day was also a celebration of all the work she had done the last years. There is still minor to no progress in rehabilitation at all. My work at the Bikeshop (2x 2 hours) still feel like a fulltime job, my agenda needs to be as empty as possible to reduce headaches and other physical pains.

I had a meeting with the company doctor to discuss the rehabilitation process. In The Netherlands, you normally have a period of 2 years in which you have the time to come back to your own work or find a job somewhere else, but with the main goal that you can earn many to pay the household bills and so on. After the first year, there was already concluded that it will be not possible to be a teacher anymore, but now we noticed that working for 4 hours a week is the limit. Perhaps it will become better in about 5 years or so, that I can increase the hours a bit, but working for 24 hours or so... it is my dream, let's call it that.

So, the conclusion from the company doctor is that I have a inability to do work and that means, that there will be contact with the UWV (Dutch organization that arrange social security payments for disabled people, or people who are (temporarily unemployed). They will decided if they follow my medical file and if I can get some sort of social security payment. Of course this is absolutely not what you want to hear at the age of 36. On the other hand, it will help me to close down some things and look forward to the future.

This whole UWV process also makes me nervous. When you look at me, or have a conversation for about 20-30 minutes, you will not notice anything. Which is of course also really nice, but in this case it makes me nervous... will they believe me, do I have the words to explain my situation, how to prepare the appointment and so on. It also forces me to think about all the things I cannot do and I hate that. Luckily I have people around me helping me with this process, but I will not go into detail about the things which are not possible. But think about entering a supermarket... how is that for you? For me entering a supermarket is entering a nightmare. I get completely overstimulated by the noises, the light, the choices you have to make, even if I have a list of the things I need. Luckily we can order our groceries and let them deliver at home.

One of the examples I do want to share with you, is the point where I had to sell my piano last week. I love to make music, well to be honest... I lovED it. Since the accident I never reached a level even close to the level before. Even peaces I could play with my eyes closed, I could not play anymore. Together with my piano teacher, we really tried to find a way in which I could play and enjoy it, but it gives me headaches within minutes, practicing and learning new pieces was really hard and slowly I lost the joy of playing. I had a small break, started again, found the joy again, lost it as well, had a break and then started my mini job at the bike-store. There is no way of combining those two and I got frustrated. Since the piano is in our living room, I had to see it every day and face the facts that I no longer can play how I want to play. Over the years I learned, with help from my psychologist, to be kind to myself. In this specific case, being kind to myself is to sell the piano. So I did. It still feels weird to not have the piano around, but we rebuild the living room a bit, so that you don't see an empty spot. That helped. Still, I need time to find peace with it.

Random stuff

To close this story... check the pictures below. My knitting projects: knitting birds, Nijntje (Miffy in English) on a pullover, a scarf and hat for myself. Then a sportmassage, followed with a hike outside to spot birds and enjoy natures. Of course some swimming, biking (with a colleague), tea time and I got a very nice birthday present from Natalia (I will be the happiest fish in the pool ;-)) and I gave myself a small present made by BCN (check her instagram!).

Time to close this story. Always open for feedback, suggestions and so on!